Where to begin today...
I haven't felt like posting in a very long time, as you can tell from the date of my last post. Life has been pure hell dotted with times of just earthly torture. My mind has been so bogged down by thoughts of everything and nothing at the same time. I am constantly thinking about my current circumstances with the utmost unproductivity. I couldn't even tell you what I actually ponder all day. It's just a big tangled mess of grey.
One bit of positive news is that I have not cut very much recently. In fact, it has been almost two weeks. I think I have considered it during the past two weeks, but I'm not quite sure. I could attribute that to my medicine, or to trying to change my attitude, or to a friend who has given me a glimpse of some sort of happy future, or to God. There seem to a few things working toward positivity in my life, though their progress is sloth-like at best.
I was given this scripture tonight in a small group I attended for the first time.
But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness the Lord will be a light to me. Micha 7:7-8
Not sure why I added it....but I do sit in darkness most days. Tonight I have felt a little light on my face and on my heart. It was warm and made me yearn for more.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Sunday, October 20, 2013
I have 46 cents in the bank. Not only do I have 46 cents in the bank, but I have had 46 cents in the bank for more than a week.
My "husband" has not reimbursed me for $60 in doctor copays for his children who had MRSA and impetigo...copays that he insisted on seeing receipts for. Now, my children's' behavior has gotten to the point where I am very worried about how all this change is affecting them. I do not know how to parent this behavior. I have spoken to their doctor and feel that is it best to take them to a children's psychologist. When I ask their father for the money, he responds with the following:
"Give me receipt and I will pay. What's wrong with them?"
I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to respond other than to run right up and get the razor blades.
Currently, my mother is in the kitchen making sure I can hear her do the dishes. She is passive aggressively telling me "I'm in here cleaning up after you and your kids." I can no longer go to her for a shoulder to cry on or a receptive ear. Well, actually I've know that since before I moved in here. Now I just have to put that knowledge into practice. I cannot ask her for advice. I cannot complain about anything to her. I certainly cannot ask her for financial support.
Two living parents in this world and not one of them will show me any emotional or financial support right now. How's that for making you feel unloved? Parents, who are supposed to have to love you because they chose to create you, and they can see nothing of the hurt in my heart. They cannot hear me wailing for comfort.
So in my silence, I bleed.
My "husband" has not reimbursed me for $60 in doctor copays for his children who had MRSA and impetigo...copays that he insisted on seeing receipts for. Now, my children's' behavior has gotten to the point where I am very worried about how all this change is affecting them. I do not know how to parent this behavior. I have spoken to their doctor and feel that is it best to take them to a children's psychologist. When I ask their father for the money, he responds with the following:
"Give me receipt and I will pay. What's wrong with them?"
I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to respond other than to run right up and get the razor blades.
Currently, my mother is in the kitchen making sure I can hear her do the dishes. She is passive aggressively telling me "I'm in here cleaning up after you and your kids." I can no longer go to her for a shoulder to cry on or a receptive ear. Well, actually I've know that since before I moved in here. Now I just have to put that knowledge into practice. I cannot ask her for advice. I cannot complain about anything to her. I certainly cannot ask her for financial support.
Two living parents in this world and not one of them will show me any emotional or financial support right now. How's that for making you feel unloved? Parents, who are supposed to have to love you because they chose to create you, and they can see nothing of the hurt in my heart. They cannot hear me wailing for comfort.
So in my silence, I bleed.
I heard this quote today. "Today, I choose to believe differently. With help and hard work, life is hopeful." Hmmm... Sounds a lot easier said than done. At least they acknowledge it is hard, but don't you just want to smack people who say stuff like " choose to be positive?" How much more ridiculous could that sound in the midst of depression and anxiety. The two are like mind control; reprogramming you to respond and react in ways you would never have dreamed possible. I don't wake up each day thinking "today I will choose to be sad," or "if I get overwhelmed today, maybe I will hack into my arm some." This is not a choice that I make each day. Who would willing choose not to be a happy, positive, worry free person. Even despite some very happy events over the past few weeks, I still live under this soaking wet blanket of hopelessness most of the time. The constant pressure of it makes it increasingly hard to lift off of me. I have been given medicine of all sorts and still see no difference. I am currently one week into a new medicine that may not do anything either. Just more money, and more waiting, and more nothing.
The irony to the tone of this post is that, so far, this isn't even a bad day.
The irony to the tone of this post is that, so far, this isn't even a bad day.
The one about the car...
Here's pretty much how my life goes:
It costs me over $800 to get the super expensive headlights fixed on my van yesterday. I finally get it inspected and the registration renewed, only 4 months late. Today, one of the headlights is not working. This is the kind of life that Murphy had night mares about. It makes his law look like a children's book.
Now I get to look forward to child custody mediation this afternoon. A minimum of one hour in a room with my asshole husband to fight over custody of children he doesn't even want to take responsibility for. At least it is cold enough to wear long sleeves and cover the "tree rings" of my life. However, I must go unpack the long sleeve clothes and have no room in this house to hang them.
Hold on to your hats, everyone. Today is going to be a doozie. I'll be very surprised if I don't break open a fresh razor by the end of the day.
Here's pretty much how my life goes:
It costs me over $800 to get the super expensive headlights fixed on my van yesterday. I finally get it inspected and the registration renewed, only 4 months late. Today, one of the headlights is not working. This is the kind of life that Murphy had night mares about. It makes his law look like a children's book.
Now I get to look forward to child custody mediation this afternoon. A minimum of one hour in a room with my asshole husband to fight over custody of children he doesn't even want to take responsibility for. At least it is cold enough to wear long sleeves and cover the "tree rings" of my life. However, I must go unpack the long sleeve clothes and have no room in this house to hang them.
Hold on to your hats, everyone. Today is going to be a doozie. I'll be very surprised if I don't break open a fresh razor by the end of the day.
It's finally time. I have to start tonight. These thoughts have been trying to get out for weeks now. They were eating through my eyes as I scrubbed the food stains off of 30 year old rust colored velour seat cushions, attached to rattan and brass frames. I had to clean up the juice and cheese that my three boys spilt at dinner before my mother came down and caught me in some sort of "leisure" activity like blogging about dragging a razor blade repeatedly across my forearms just so I can breathe. Even now, I can hear the dirty dishes in the sink taunting and laughing at the passive aggressive punishment that is inevitable before I finish this post.
No, I'm not an unwed teen mother. I'm 38 years old. I have been married for 8 years but had to trade our family's home for a pittance of child support after my husband and I separated. My boys and I now live with my mother who has been single for the better part of the past 20 years. I am in the darkest place in my life and have had to move back to what I previously thought was the darkest place in my life. It is defeating to say the least. On good days, it's a struggle not to wish for a coma that I would wake from, as said in a popular song, "when I'm older and wiser." Why am I an adult teenager? That is such a long discussion, and I don't want to lose all my readers on the first post. But let's just start by saying that today I was "shhh"ed by my mother while disciplining my own child, and was told not to drive to fast in the rain as she monitored the speedometer the entire trip.
I was not a cutter when I was a teenager. I'm not sure why other than my life was so sheltered I had never even heard of it. Had I even the slightest inkling of it's existence, I would now bare the scares of at least 25 years. I have stopped counting the days since it began, as it now seems like it was always comforting me. However, they are marked in merely weeks at this point. I don't know why my mind has chosen this for relief. That is something I struggle with everyday. Why do I think it helps me? Why does it help me?
No, I'm not an unwed teen mother. I'm 38 years old. I have been married for 8 years but had to trade our family's home for a pittance of child support after my husband and I separated. My boys and I now live with my mother who has been single for the better part of the past 20 years. I am in the darkest place in my life and have had to move back to what I previously thought was the darkest place in my life. It is defeating to say the least. On good days, it's a struggle not to wish for a coma that I would wake from, as said in a popular song, "when I'm older and wiser." Why am I an adult teenager? That is such a long discussion, and I don't want to lose all my readers on the first post. But let's just start by saying that today I was "shhh"ed by my mother while disciplining my own child, and was told not to drive to fast in the rain as she monitored the speedometer the entire trip.
I was not a cutter when I was a teenager. I'm not sure why other than my life was so sheltered I had never even heard of it. Had I even the slightest inkling of it's existence, I would now bare the scares of at least 25 years. I have stopped counting the days since it began, as it now seems like it was always comforting me. However, they are marked in merely weeks at this point. I don't know why my mind has chosen this for relief. That is something I struggle with everyday. Why do I think it helps me? Why does it help me?
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